Cramped in a minivan with the rest of the CRC students we are speeding dangerously down curvy mountains roads. The Taiwanese driver is blasting bouncy club DJ music. I am dancing out of boredom of the long trip. Suddenly, I recognize English words singing from the speakers. I am shocked. Is she really saying that? I tell the other students to listen, lest my ears deceive me.
“Teeny weeny shriveled little short d!ck man. Don’t want no short d!ck man,” wails the singer with a harsh Queens accent. We burst out laughing. The driver is joyfully grooving to the beats. I wonder does he know the words?
I have had similar experiences around the world where I encounter people listening to profane English songs. I wonder if they would like the song if they knew what the words mean. Do they play these songs in English speaking countries? This is just plain silliness. Do I dance to songs like this in other languages that I don’t understand? After the short dick man song ended another song in Chinese started. I was still dancing, but with caution. What were the lyrics? Are profane lyrics common in Chinese songs?
I have now had this ridiculous song stuck in my head for weeks. It is a really catchy tune. With a little research I found a clip of it on YouTube, which I have added to this post. I guess it was a big hit song in the 90's.
I don't think the youtube.com video is working so here is the url: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX380vS_Mzs
10/19/2008
10/15/2008
How to Chew Beetle Nut
I am realizing that Taiwanese people love to share their culture. They love to give me all kinds of exotic things to try. I was sitting outside of my hotel in Alishan when a Taiwanese tourist stopped to take an interest in me. I was eating a “mountain tomato,” a red fruit with slimy frog egg seeds.
The man gestured that I was eating it completely wrong and showed me the correct way. He then began pulling them out of his pocket one after the other and distributing them to the CRC students. I don’t know how he could have been hording so many fruits in his pockets.
To eat the fruit, you roll it around in your palms, massaging the insides away from the skin. Then you bite off the top and suck it out like a baby suckling a breast. The man was laughing hilariously as we did this, probably because of this sexual connotation. He continued to dish out fruits at an alarming rate. After I ate about 4 I couldn’t handle it anymore. I refused a fruit and instead, he shoved a large thing directly into my mouth, mid-sentence, with his dirty fingers. Wow! I took it out to examine it before I consumed any old thing from dirty fingers.
(Red teeth from a mouth full of beetlenut...not my most stunning photographic moment.)
It looked like a green acorn wrapped in a fresh shiny leaf. He pointed to his red teeth, and I realized, this is a beetle nut. It is used like chewing tobacco, that you crunch up and let rest along the gum line. The man urged me to chew it, as his friends jokingly punched him for being such a bad influence on the mei guo ren.
I have always wanted to try beetle nut, but have also been a little afraid of it. It is highly addictive and stains the teeth bright red. All over Asia there are vermillion stained toothy smiles, like the owner of the smile is a vampire.
(Spit from chewing beetlenut...a little gross)
I chewed up the nut which exploded with bitter-sweet juices in my mouth. I was unsure of the proper chewing procedure, so I just chewed uncontrollably, slurping my spittle all over the place. My bus was about to leave, so I hurried up the hill, leaving my generous friend. As I passed the vendors, an uproar of laughter rolled along with me as fingers pointed to my crimson mouth.
(Chewed up piece of beetle nut after I was finished)
When I crested the hill, I could feel the effects of the beetle nut. My blood was coursing through my body like a machine gun. I had a surge of energy and my head felt dizzy. WOW! This definitely is a stimulant. After just five minutes of chewing, I could tell why it is so addictive. I chewed the nut for the duration of the bus ride and actually really relished it. I think I will have to stay away from beetle nut though, because I do not need red teeth or more addictions.
(My red tongue after chewing beetlenut)
The man gestured that I was eating it completely wrong and showed me the correct way. He then began pulling them out of his pocket one after the other and distributing them to the CRC students. I don’t know how he could have been hording so many fruits in his pockets.
To eat the fruit, you roll it around in your palms, massaging the insides away from the skin. Then you bite off the top and suck it out like a baby suckling a breast. The man was laughing hilariously as we did this, probably because of this sexual connotation. He continued to dish out fruits at an alarming rate. After I ate about 4 I couldn’t handle it anymore. I refused a fruit and instead, he shoved a large thing directly into my mouth, mid-sentence, with his dirty fingers. Wow! I took it out to examine it before I consumed any old thing from dirty fingers.
(Red teeth from a mouth full of beetlenut...not my most stunning photographic moment.)It looked like a green acorn wrapped in a fresh shiny leaf. He pointed to his red teeth, and I realized, this is a beetle nut. It is used like chewing tobacco, that you crunch up and let rest along the gum line. The man urged me to chew it, as his friends jokingly punched him for being such a bad influence on the mei guo ren.
I have always wanted to try beetle nut, but have also been a little afraid of it. It is highly addictive and stains the teeth bright red. All over Asia there are vermillion stained toothy smiles, like the owner of the smile is a vampire.
(Spit from chewing beetlenut...a little gross)I chewed up the nut which exploded with bitter-sweet juices in my mouth. I was unsure of the proper chewing procedure, so I just chewed uncontrollably, slurping my spittle all over the place. My bus was about to leave, so I hurried up the hill, leaving my generous friend. As I passed the vendors, an uproar of laughter rolled along with me as fingers pointed to my crimson mouth.
(Chewed up piece of beetle nut after I was finished)When I crested the hill, I could feel the effects of the beetle nut. My blood was coursing through my body like a machine gun. I had a surge of energy and my head felt dizzy. WOW! This definitely is a stimulant. After just five minutes of chewing, I could tell why it is so addictive. I chewed the nut for the duration of the bus ride and actually really relished it. I think I will have to stay away from beetle nut though, because I do not need red teeth or more addictions.
(My red tongue after chewing beetlenut)10/14/2008
AndrogynousTaiwanese Teens
I keep seeing Taiwanese young people and wondering if they are male or female. This is weird. Androgyny seems to be a big thing here. Boys are dressed like fashion models and wear lots of pink shirts. Some girls are wearing baggy boy’s clothing. Most Asian girls have small breasts so often I can barely see them poking out of their baggy boys shirts. I tend to distinguish gender through breasts, if there are no other signs. Lots of young people here have androgynous hairstyles, heavily gelled with hair care products.
I am wondering why so many girls dress like boys here. Someone told me there is a rising number of gays in Asia, or rather that it is more acceptable to be gay so they do not have to hide it. Are these boyishly dress girls lesbians? Or is it just a popular fashion style to dress like a boy?
I am wondering why so many girls dress like boys here. Someone told me there is a rising number of gays in Asia, or rather that it is more acceptable to be gay so they do not have to hide it. Are these boyishly dress girls lesbians? Or is it just a popular fashion style to dress like a boy?
10/13/2008
Eating Pomelos in Taiwan
Breaking habitual patterns part II:
I bought a bunch of huge fruits which I don’t know the name of, but which I call “heads.” I think it might be a pomelo or something to that effect. They are about the same size as a head. They are kind of like an overgrown grapefruit, but with very thick skin and a very sweet taste.
In China I would always share these with someone. They are too big for one person to eat alone. We would walk to a little corner fruit stall at night, purchase a head from the fruit boy and happily carry the heavy head home anxious to dig into the sweetness. At home we would wash and peel the fruit. Then, placing it in a bowl, we would share slices while we watched movies or did school work. It was a special ritual.
Now I have all of these heads. They have been sitting on my refrigerator for the past week. I couldn’t bring myself to eat one all alone. They have too much meaning behind them for me.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Break the cycle. I think I am finally going to delve into my sweet fruit and enjoy eating it all by myself.
Photos of the Pomelos and a little inspiration.
(How to peel a pomelo.)
(Inside of a pomelo.)
(Enjoying the sweet fruit.)
I bought a bunch of huge fruits which I don’t know the name of, but which I call “heads.” I think it might be a pomelo or something to that effect. They are about the same size as a head. They are kind of like an overgrown grapefruit, but with very thick skin and a very sweet taste.
In China I would always share these with someone. They are too big for one person to eat alone. We would walk to a little corner fruit stall at night, purchase a head from the fruit boy and happily carry the heavy head home anxious to dig into the sweetness. At home we would wash and peel the fruit. Then, placing it in a bowl, we would share slices while we watched movies or did school work. It was a special ritual.
Now I have all of these heads. They have been sitting on my refrigerator for the past week. I couldn’t bring myself to eat one all alone. They have too much meaning behind them for me.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Break the cycle. I think I am finally going to delve into my sweet fruit and enjoy eating it all by myself.
Photos of the Pomelos and a little inspiration.
(How to peel a pomelo.)
(Inside of a pomelo.)
(Enjoying the sweet fruit.)10/11/2008
Taiwanese Stinky Tofu Restaurants
The other night I had a food adventure. I like to try new things, just to know what they are like, just to have the experience. I have a friend here who is the same way. We were starving, so together we went searching through a Taiwanese night market for some grub, almost literally.
We stopped at a stall where a man with beetlenut reddened, crooked teeth was selling various Taiwanese snacks. He had a pile of tasty looking bright green soybeans. With salivary glands fully functioning, we ordered up a bag. Seemingly happy that foreigners were patronizing his booth, he wanted to share his oriental delights with us. He handed out samples of everything for us to try. It started with a rubbery brown ring. I took a bite. It was squid soaked in sweet soy sauce, and probably by far the most succulent squid I have ever eaten. He then handed us a white slice that almost looked like a piece of Swiss cheese. I crunched into the juicy treat. It was some sort of pickled vegetable flavored with a delicious gingery sauce. We paid his about $1 USD and he gave us a huge bag of soybeans. They were scrumptiously marinated in peppery vinaigrette, light, crisp, and fresh. We munched on our snack and continued our search.
We stopped in front of a stinky tofu restaurant. You can smell a stinky tofu place from a mile away, with its foul odor like the grimiest barroom men’s bathroom, or a port-o-potty that has been left to stew and fester in the hot summer sun for weeks. I think there is a common saying about stinky tofu that goes something like, “Smells like a bathroom, but tastes heavenly.”
Everyone in Taiwan that I meet asks if I have eaten stinky tofu, so I decided to be brave and finally try the malodorous stuff. We also ordered a bowl of soup to even out our meal, hoping that if the tofu was a bust that the soup would be a safety back-up. Boy, were we wrong.
The tofu arrived at the table, fried crispy blocks drenched soy sauce and accompanied by a sprig of pickled cabbage. It didn’t smell that bad. I diligently picked up a cube with my chopsticks and raised it into my quivering mouth. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought, but it wasn’t as magnificent as claimed either. I swallowed, waited. The after taste was vile. Like the smell of a toilet was caught in my nasal passage, rising up from the sewer pipes of the back of my throat, rotting and clogged in my stomach. I bravely and politely continued to eat, just to fulfill my ravenous hunger.
The soup came. There were thin noodles suspended in a brown gelatinous broth. This was topped by strange slices of some sort unspecified organ and globular clear gray balls floating like brains in a Petri dish. I hesitantly picked up a “brain” with my chops sticks and popped it down the chute. Its sliminess squished between my teeth bursting with a fishy, unexpected taste. Was this a brain? Who’s brain? The whole soup tasted like fish, pungent and revolting. I do not like to waste food so I kept eating, or rather trying to swallow without chewing my cud. I was glad my friend was there so I did not have to finish the dishes on my own. I snuck some of my portion of the brains into her bowl when she wasn’t looking to sooth my gag reflexes. A Taiwanese woman was chatting with us at our table. She commended us on our courage. “Most foreigners do not eat at places like this.” I smiled gracefully and nodded, but in the back of my mouth my taste buds screamed, “I can taste why!”
When I returned home I viciously scrubbed my mouth with my toothbrush and a massive quantity of toothpaste to rid myself of the flavors. Yet, I still feel like I have the vile tastes imbedded on my tongue, emanating from my innards.
We stopped at a stall where a man with beetlenut reddened, crooked teeth was selling various Taiwanese snacks. He had a pile of tasty looking bright green soybeans. With salivary glands fully functioning, we ordered up a bag. Seemingly happy that foreigners were patronizing his booth, he wanted to share his oriental delights with us. He handed out samples of everything for us to try. It started with a rubbery brown ring. I took a bite. It was squid soaked in sweet soy sauce, and probably by far the most succulent squid I have ever eaten. He then handed us a white slice that almost looked like a piece of Swiss cheese. I crunched into the juicy treat. It was some sort of pickled vegetable flavored with a delicious gingery sauce. We paid his about $1 USD and he gave us a huge bag of soybeans. They were scrumptiously marinated in peppery vinaigrette, light, crisp, and fresh. We munched on our snack and continued our search.
We stopped in front of a stinky tofu restaurant. You can smell a stinky tofu place from a mile away, with its foul odor like the grimiest barroom men’s bathroom, or a port-o-potty that has been left to stew and fester in the hot summer sun for weeks. I think there is a common saying about stinky tofu that goes something like, “Smells like a bathroom, but tastes heavenly.”
Everyone in Taiwan that I meet asks if I have eaten stinky tofu, so I decided to be brave and finally try the malodorous stuff. We also ordered a bowl of soup to even out our meal, hoping that if the tofu was a bust that the soup would be a safety back-up. Boy, were we wrong.
The tofu arrived at the table, fried crispy blocks drenched soy sauce and accompanied by a sprig of pickled cabbage. It didn’t smell that bad. I diligently picked up a cube with my chopsticks and raised it into my quivering mouth. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought, but it wasn’t as magnificent as claimed either. I swallowed, waited. The after taste was vile. Like the smell of a toilet was caught in my nasal passage, rising up from the sewer pipes of the back of my throat, rotting and clogged in my stomach. I bravely and politely continued to eat, just to fulfill my ravenous hunger.
The soup came. There were thin noodles suspended in a brown gelatinous broth. This was topped by strange slices of some sort unspecified organ and globular clear gray balls floating like brains in a Petri dish. I hesitantly picked up a “brain” with my chops sticks and popped it down the chute. Its sliminess squished between my teeth bursting with a fishy, unexpected taste. Was this a brain? Who’s brain? The whole soup tasted like fish, pungent and revolting. I do not like to waste food so I kept eating, or rather trying to swallow without chewing my cud. I was glad my friend was there so I did not have to finish the dishes on my own. I snuck some of my portion of the brains into her bowl when she wasn’t looking to sooth my gag reflexes. A Taiwanese woman was chatting with us at our table. She commended us on our courage. “Most foreigners do not eat at places like this.” I smiled gracefully and nodded, but in the back of my mouth my taste buds screamed, “I can taste why!”
When I returned home I viciously scrubbed my mouth with my toothbrush and a massive quantity of toothpaste to rid myself of the flavors. Yet, I still feel like I have the vile tastes imbedded on my tongue, emanating from my innards.
10/10/2008
Prostitution in Taiwan
I went for a midnight walk with a very cool friend. We needed to get out, and we needed some action. On our search we walked passed a “motel.” The sign was written out in bright pink fluorescent lighting which can be seen for miles around. We peeked in and noticed that it looked more like an auto-repair shop than a hotel. There were rows of garages closed tightly by steel doors.
A disheveled girl, barely clothed in a tight black dress hardly reaching the bottom of her butt cheeks, teetered out on bow-legs ending in silver high heels. She flashed me a sheepish grin.
(Love Motel Sign seen from my classroom window many blocks away.)
“Is this one of those ‘girly’ motels?” asked my friend.
“Let’s go in and ask for a room and see what they say,” I urged.
We stood outside for a few seconds debating this plan. A car drove out of a garage and another girl similarly dressed as the first, stumbled out of the lobby to collect money from the driver.
The car rolled forward a few more feet and stopped in front of me. It was filled with four Taiwanese men. They were all laughing and screaming along to blaring Chinese pop music. The driver noticed me and made the universal sign for sex, a pointer finger going through a hole made by the fingers of the other hand. He plunged his finger in and out and yelled, “Wicky wicky wicky!” The man floored the engine and hauled it down the street.
“I guess that answers that question,” I said. My friend and I ran away down the street holding hands and howling with laughter in the stale night air.
I didn’t know how to react to this encounter other than to laugh and think it was ridiculous. The world is just a succession of endless folly. I think many people might have been shocked or disgusted. All I could do was giggle. Prostitution is a huge part of Chinese culture. Who am I to judge?
A disheveled girl, barely clothed in a tight black dress hardly reaching the bottom of her butt cheeks, teetered out on bow-legs ending in silver high heels. She flashed me a sheepish grin.
(Love Motel Sign seen from my classroom window many blocks away.)“Is this one of those ‘girly’ motels?” asked my friend.
“Let’s go in and ask for a room and see what they say,” I urged.
We stood outside for a few seconds debating this plan. A car drove out of a garage and another girl similarly dressed as the first, stumbled out of the lobby to collect money from the driver.
The car rolled forward a few more feet and stopped in front of me. It was filled with four Taiwanese men. They were all laughing and screaming along to blaring Chinese pop music. The driver noticed me and made the universal sign for sex, a pointer finger going through a hole made by the fingers of the other hand. He plunged his finger in and out and yelled, “Wicky wicky wicky!” The man floored the engine and hauled it down the street.
“I guess that answers that question,” I said. My friend and I ran away down the street holding hands and howling with laughter in the stale night air.
I didn’t know how to react to this encounter other than to laugh and think it was ridiculous. The world is just a succession of endless folly. I think many people might have been shocked or disgusted. All I could do was giggle. Prostitution is a huge part of Chinese culture. Who am I to judge?
10/09/2008
I Promise I will Write
Hi Readers,
Wow, I really like it that I can say that now. I'm really happy that people actually read me. Thanks!
Anyway, I just took a week vacation away from my computer. I went to Alishan and also a Zen Buddhist retreat center called Dharma Drum Mountain. I really needed to escape from the world for a little while. But, I feel bad that I haven't written in so long! I promise I will write tomorrow. I have a ton to write about my experiences in these places...and some funny stories.
XOXO,
Mira
Wow, I really like it that I can say that now. I'm really happy that people actually read me. Thanks!
Anyway, I just took a week vacation away from my computer. I went to Alishan and also a Zen Buddhist retreat center called Dharma Drum Mountain. I really needed to escape from the world for a little while. But, I feel bad that I haven't written in so long! I promise I will write tomorrow. I have a ton to write about my experiences in these places...and some funny stories.
XOXO,
Mira
10/01/2008
Advice on Break-ups
My father is a saint. He is the most intelligent, insightful and wise person I have ever met. I really needed his fatherly wisdom and this is what he told me. This is advice that I think would be helpful to anyone trying to get over a relationship.
I called my dad in my time of need, and he, of course, was there for me, to give me a spiritual teaching on what I am going through right now. He gives me strength to move on through life and keep walking the red road towards my center. It was so amazing that I desperately tried to type it out as he was talking to me. So, this is merely fragments of our conversation, but I think it focuses on most of the important stuff. The spaces are places that were left out of our conversation and signify mostly, a topic change. I am posting this because I really hope it can help someone else out in their times of sorrow and loss. It needs to be shared. This is my father’s discourse on love:
You are a warrior and you act like a warrior.
I’m a warrior and warriors do not gobble other people up. Warrior’s are not predatory. Most people are predatory though. They struggle with power.
………………
You guys were very close. You were very close in astrological signs, maybe too close. You should really get your astrology chart done to find out who is in your house of partners. This might help you out in the future when you meet people to know instantly who is compatible with you.
……………………
In a relationship you need something that is balanced. It can’t be too much one way or the other.
I have the feeling it is time to move on. The relationships we had in the fourth world have to be left behind. We are in the fifth world now, and a lot of old relationships will have to break. Relationships that aren’t bearing fruit.
Too many times I was putting out for them and they were betraying me in a way.
In a way this is good. It forces you to move on. You are on a river. You keep flowing.
Some of this we have some control of and some of it is spirit.
The creator has certain goals. It is deeper than we think it is.
You have to realize that in the beginning, middle and end you moved properly. A warrior is always impeccable.
You made the effort and did what your heart told you to do. If I don’t have the heart to be everything to everyone I don’t go out that door.
When you turn that switch on that is your light bulb. All you are doing is shining.
………………………….
You could forgive him, but Love is a one shot deal. Its fire away. I was never good with repeat business. It doesn’t work.
But it doesn’t diminish the fullness of it at the time. You shouldn’t feel tarnished. You did nothing to tarnish yourself.
You’ve gotta know that at the end of the day. At the end of the day you have to know you did everything right.
You can’t expect people to be something that they aren’t.
Think of what you were then and what you are now. You did a lot of growing. You were a lot younger.
But you didn’t ever go off your center, or step off your path. You did what was right to your heart. What if you had become his crazed f*cked up dependent servant. You would probably wanna shoot yourself.
You can’t beat yourself up. You were like a cat. You were independent.
………………..
The amount of self control someone has is what it is. You give it your best shot and you move on. You do it one at a time. If you ever do 2 people that is dishonest. It is dishonest to the heart and to yourself. That love relationship is for you. Meher Baba says I love everyone for everyone else, but I love Mehera for myself.
You have to get that word forgiveness in your mind. You might have to see him when you live in New York next semester. You are going to have to forgive him. Because that is the basis for community.
……………..
It doesn’t matter now. It is all about who you are. It is about your responsibility at the end of the day and taking care of yourself. I know you have a problem taking care of yourself because you are a nice person and want to take care of everyone else. It is about your heart. You have to follow your heart. Sometimes your heart wants different things but you always have to follow your heart.
……………………
You were completely dead honest with the whole thing and yourself.
When you find love it is not just sleeping with friends anymore.
I had a friend I slept with once. We slept together but we were never in love like that. Then years and years later I met up with her again and she started falling in love with me.
If she was gonna fall in love with me she should have done it 18 years ago. I had to run away because it just wasn’t right.
………………..
You don’t find love that much. It is something that comes to you and you can’t control it.
But you also can’t toy with people. You can’t be the baboon girl throwing your pussy around.
……………….
You should never meet anyone more than half way. There has to be a bridge. You both have to meet in the middle of the bridge. And they really have to make a bridge to you. It can’t always just be one person or the other.
………………
He has gone from being your significant other to being your brother. It is one of the white buffalo calf’s ceremonies on relationships. Relationships can change.
………………………….
You know, you can move from the friend ladder to the lover ladder easily. But it is harder the other way around. If you go to the lover ladder you can’t go back to the friend ladder.
………………………
Spirit will guide you.
Love isn’t hard to figure out. You don’t have to use logic. You have to follow your heart and you can’t let your head think about it too much.
Meher Baba said he came to put the supremacy of the heart over the head.
………………………
You will feel powerful, and then you will attract whoever you are supposed to attract. You don’t have any strings attached anymore.
He may have been in love with his sister. You are so like his sister and he is so like your father. But the same resonance of those relationships weren’t there.
……………………………
Relationships are like fire. With fire you don’t get another chance. Fire is burning, passion, the east, air, Christ energy.
You’re walking along. You’re walking the red road and keep moving.
You have to reinvent yourself. This is another message to you to be yourself. And it says how little you can expect anything from anyone. You can’t ever expect anyone to go one way or the other.
Are you prepared to live without expectations?
The past is gone and the future isn’t here. You shouldn’t be trying to look into the future. Those things are all planned by spirit.
The only way to get through something like karma is to really love someone. You don’t know how many life times you have lived with him before. Who knows what your karma was.
And you really loved him. This is a way to break the karma. The only way to break through karma is through love. Love is all you need. But then it releases you from that cycle. You really loved him and now you can move on through the cycle.
…………………..
I called my dad in my time of need, and he, of course, was there for me, to give me a spiritual teaching on what I am going through right now. He gives me strength to move on through life and keep walking the red road towards my center. It was so amazing that I desperately tried to type it out as he was talking to me. So, this is merely fragments of our conversation, but I think it focuses on most of the important stuff. The spaces are places that were left out of our conversation and signify mostly, a topic change. I am posting this because I really hope it can help someone else out in their times of sorrow and loss. It needs to be shared. This is my father’s discourse on love:
You are a warrior and you act like a warrior.
I’m a warrior and warriors do not gobble other people up. Warrior’s are not predatory. Most people are predatory though. They struggle with power.
………………
You guys were very close. You were very close in astrological signs, maybe too close. You should really get your astrology chart done to find out who is in your house of partners. This might help you out in the future when you meet people to know instantly who is compatible with you.
……………………
In a relationship you need something that is balanced. It can’t be too much one way or the other.
I have the feeling it is time to move on. The relationships we had in the fourth world have to be left behind. We are in the fifth world now, and a lot of old relationships will have to break. Relationships that aren’t bearing fruit.
Too many times I was putting out for them and they were betraying me in a way.
In a way this is good. It forces you to move on. You are on a river. You keep flowing.
Some of this we have some control of and some of it is spirit.
The creator has certain goals. It is deeper than we think it is.
You have to realize that in the beginning, middle and end you moved properly. A warrior is always impeccable.
You made the effort and did what your heart told you to do. If I don’t have the heart to be everything to everyone I don’t go out that door.
When you turn that switch on that is your light bulb. All you are doing is shining.
………………………….
You could forgive him, but Love is a one shot deal. Its fire away. I was never good with repeat business. It doesn’t work.
But it doesn’t diminish the fullness of it at the time. You shouldn’t feel tarnished. You did nothing to tarnish yourself.
You’ve gotta know that at the end of the day. At the end of the day you have to know you did everything right.
You can’t expect people to be something that they aren’t.
Think of what you were then and what you are now. You did a lot of growing. You were a lot younger.
But you didn’t ever go off your center, or step off your path. You did what was right to your heart. What if you had become his crazed f*cked up dependent servant. You would probably wanna shoot yourself.
You can’t beat yourself up. You were like a cat. You were independent.
………………..
The amount of self control someone has is what it is. You give it your best shot and you move on. You do it one at a time. If you ever do 2 people that is dishonest. It is dishonest to the heart and to yourself. That love relationship is for you. Meher Baba says I love everyone for everyone else, but I love Mehera for myself.
You have to get that word forgiveness in your mind. You might have to see him when you live in New York next semester. You are going to have to forgive him. Because that is the basis for community.
……………..
It doesn’t matter now. It is all about who you are. It is about your responsibility at the end of the day and taking care of yourself. I know you have a problem taking care of yourself because you are a nice person and want to take care of everyone else. It is about your heart. You have to follow your heart. Sometimes your heart wants different things but you always have to follow your heart.
……………………
You were completely dead honest with the whole thing and yourself.
When you find love it is not just sleeping with friends anymore.
I had a friend I slept with once. We slept together but we were never in love like that. Then years and years later I met up with her again and she started falling in love with me.
If she was gonna fall in love with me she should have done it 18 years ago. I had to run away because it just wasn’t right.
………………..
You don’t find love that much. It is something that comes to you and you can’t control it.
But you also can’t toy with people. You can’t be the baboon girl throwing your pussy around.
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You should never meet anyone more than half way. There has to be a bridge. You both have to meet in the middle of the bridge. And they really have to make a bridge to you. It can’t always just be one person or the other.
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He has gone from being your significant other to being your brother. It is one of the white buffalo calf’s ceremonies on relationships. Relationships can change.
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You know, you can move from the friend ladder to the lover ladder easily. But it is harder the other way around. If you go to the lover ladder you can’t go back to the friend ladder.
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Spirit will guide you.
Love isn’t hard to figure out. You don’t have to use logic. You have to follow your heart and you can’t let your head think about it too much.
Meher Baba said he came to put the supremacy of the heart over the head.
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You will feel powerful, and then you will attract whoever you are supposed to attract. You don’t have any strings attached anymore.
He may have been in love with his sister. You are so like his sister and he is so like your father. But the same resonance of those relationships weren’t there.
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Relationships are like fire. With fire you don’t get another chance. Fire is burning, passion, the east, air, Christ energy.
You’re walking along. You’re walking the red road and keep moving.
You have to reinvent yourself. This is another message to you to be yourself. And it says how little you can expect anything from anyone. You can’t ever expect anyone to go one way or the other.
Are you prepared to live without expectations?
The past is gone and the future isn’t here. You shouldn’t be trying to look into the future. Those things are all planned by spirit.
The only way to get through something like karma is to really love someone. You don’t know how many life times you have lived with him before. Who knows what your karma was.
And you really loved him. This is a way to break the karma. The only way to break through karma is through love. Love is all you need. But then it releases you from that cycle. You really loved him and now you can move on through the cycle.
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